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How can we have the holiday of a lifetime this year? Here is my modest proposal | Emma Beddington

Booking a holiday right now is complex and possibly pointless. But I’m writing this from another person’s house – doctor’s orders – and it is surprisingly thrilling

Swerving the semantic minefield surrounding the double meaning of the word “staycation”, I can assert with confidence that most of us will be having one (a holiday at home) or the other (a holiday in the UK) or both this year.

Despite “vaccine passport” rumours, most of us have abandoned the idea of escaping Plague Variant Island for now: a survey by Best Western found that 90% of respondents felt “safer” holidaying in Britain this summer. It shows: self-catering sites are overwhelmed, Cornwall will be erecting a giant “no vacancies” sign from June to September and campsite bookings have been stratospheric for months, despite camping being far worse than staying at home (fight me). Center Parcs is charging more than £7,000 a week for a four-bedroom “exclusive lodge” in Bedfordshire in August, approximately what you would have to pay me to go to Center Parcs again.

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