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The Fiver | Flinging Gareth Bale beneath the Wild & Wacky Wagon o’Fun’s wheels

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What the people want, the people get. That’s the philosophy by which José Mourinho has lived his life for at least the past 21 hours. To this end, he pimped his ride, giving his famous Metaphor Bus a Magical Mystery Tour-influenced paint job, ripping out the brakes and the transmission with seven separate parking gears, and replacing the round tyres for oval ones that go up and down as well as round and round. And so on Wednesday night José arrived at Goodison behind the wheel of the Entertaining One’s Wild & Wacky Wagon o’Fun, steam parping out of the front, the suspension making every noise from the Looney Tunes effects library, and proceeded to perform donuts in the middle of the pitch for 120 minutes.

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